The Final: Germany v Brazil… from Berlin
I made hard work of getting to Berlin. My mind has given up and left me to face my decisions alone. What could have been a restful journey from Munich to Berlin turned into a frenzied fiasco via Frankfurt and an arrival in Berlin after yet another sleepless night on a train.
My body has caught on to my mind’s little game and turned against me as well. No amount of eating or sleeping will revive it above the most basic of functioning.
In the absence of any real sort of body or mind, I have been running solely on soul. A [...]
Germany v South Korea… from Munich
Someone must have shuffled the streets of Brock while I was out drinking all day because I had great difficulty finding the train station that had introduced me to the town. A town of so few people and yet so many beers.
I awaited my overnight journey to Munchen with a drunken smile. I looked forward to a good sleep in a sleeper carriage couchette, but on boarding found that a woman who had earlier obliged with a photograph had now attached herself to me. I sensed that I had become her protector, her non threatening male, at that late hour.
The [...]
Jucha v Hungary, Romania and Yugoslavia
My journey to Turkey started swimmingly. Two trains from Madrid to Paris. Sixteen hours overnight. Lovely. A few hours at the station and then a quick train to Munich. Nine hours. No Worries. Again, some hours in Munich and then for the long haul. Forty-eight hours to Istanbul.
I was in good spirits and looking forward to Turkey. I was fortunate enough to sit next to a softly spoken Austrian whose name I could never quite get, but anglicised in my mind to be Bruno. In the few hours we shared, we discussed everything from world politics to sport to our [...]
Spain v South Korea… from Madrid
My record leading up to Spain was abysmal. From thirteen games I had three wins, four draws and five miserable losses. If I were a team that I managed and coached, I would have gone on strike, resigned and sacked myself by now.
I yearned to see some dancing in the streets. With a strong team and a country full of Spaniards, I believed that Spain might provide the remedy. I dearly hoped they would reach at least the quarter finals for which I hoped to make Madrid. They did and I did. Just.
Italy’s railways conspired to make me miss all [...]
Italy v South Korea… from Verona to Milan
It is quite a journey from Stockholm to Rome, but I felt confident that I could cover it in the forty-eight hours available. I felt happy and with good reason. I had arranged to meet up with my partner, Deb, in Berlin. Deb is a seasoned traveller and had agreed to join me for some of my madness. I looked forward to her sweet smile and some much needed sympathy.
I have developed sciatica. I know it as something Deb once had, common to overworked bodies made to sit for too long, say in trains, for example. It is an affliction [...]
Sweden v Senegal… from Stockholm
My train dragged me into Stockholm well after midnight, the witching hour, the hour which it was supposed to get me there.
I was content, but terribly tired and struggling not to fall asleep on the train. I did not know where the train went after Stockholm, but as the crow flies it would have just gone plowing straight into the ocean. I did not see any crows flying about, so that was probably what happened to them too. And if there was one place I did not want to wake up, it was in an ocean full of crows.
For once, [...]
Poland v USA… from Szczecin
Things are really starting to get interesting. Unintentionally, I have been conducting my own little experiment in sleep deprivation. I have had less than twelve hours sleep over the last three days. It is beginning to show.
Today, I missed my stop on a train. I knew it was time to get off, I just could not seem to get everything together in time to detrain. I stood at the door as the train pulled away from Berlin’s Zoological Gardens, desperately looking for a passing monkey to call to my aid. Damned German efficiency! If I was still in Italy, I [...]
Mexico v Italy… from Venice
I retired late in Ljubljana facing an early start ahead, but I simply could not sleep. Poland played on my mind. I felt uneasy about my sudden decision to skip the Pole’s game against the US and go to Italy instead.
I have been a little coy about my World Cup allegiances. While an Australian by birth, I am one of a first generation. My parents are European. I am half Dutch, a quarter Ukrainian and the last quarter, Polish. I grew up celebrating Wigilia over Christmas, eating borsch and pierogi. I even know how to order pancakes (‘nalesniki’) for breakfast [...]
Slovenia v Paraguay… from Ljubljana
I had many hours on trains during which to come down from Koln with a planned arrival in Ljubljana at 5:55am (unless I overslept, in which case I would probably end up in Zagreb).
I needed some rest and so for the last leg of my journey I booked a second class couchette, a short narrow bed. It was my first sleeper train and so I approached with apprehension. A kindly guard treated me with some affection and led me to my bed.
Then, a moment of panic! The guard ran off with my ticket and out of my sight. This broke [...]
Tunisia v Belgium… from Brussels
The game was beginning in less than twenty four hours. I sat waiting obediently for what was proving to be a most disagreeable means of transport. I’m comfortable enough sitting in a plane. I don’t mind flying. What really bothers me is sitting in a plane and not flying. Or, even worse, neither sitting in a plane nor flying, but lounging in a departure lounge from where no one departs. It seems to be the biggest part of flying. Not flying.
I suppose some unexpected delays are to be expected. We eventually took off and after our host, Pierre, worked his [...]
Argentina v England… from London
England was ecstatic. Millions planned to take sickies to watch the big match. The whole country wanted to see if their team could improve on their lacklustre draw with Sweden. Arch rivals, Argentina, awaited.
The Falklands was nothing. THIS would be war!
I did not care. I was having a day off. My own little sickie. I had about forty-eight hours to move out of London and too much to occupy my mind and my time to worry about football.
First, there were the Romanians. Leaving a country involves a lot of small jobs, house clearing by no means the smallest. My partner, [...]
England v Sweden… from London
Mercifully, I buzzed back from Paris aboard a plane. It left me some hours to stroll through the city to admire the Arch of Triumph and the Eiffel Tower, both mightier and uglier up close than I had ever imagined. I climbed neither, having a fear not only of fees, but also of heights – one of my most persistent and shameful self limitations.
No matter. I’d seen enough of Paris to know I’d be back someday soon.
Feeling conservative, I arrived at the airport with ample time to spare. A strange sensation for me. I checked in and relaxed, nibbling a [...]
France v Senegal… from Paris
It was a desperate dash down London’s Victoria Street with a overstuffed backpack strapped to my back. Sweating the sweat of both fear and exhaustion, I screamed into the station and pleaded my way to the front of the queue. I could not start with a miss! Ticket moistening in hand, I rushed to join a mercifully late boarding where I was allowed a brief pause.
My mind was already in Paris. I was so looking forward to joining the Parisians watch France play Senegal in the opening match of the World Cup. Paris would be the first stop of many [...]
Writing »
Gonzo Journalism – Turkey Business
Last Christmas, I was poisoned by my mother-in-law. It was nothing personal. She poisoned her heavily pregnant daughter as well.
“Urgh!” announced my better half from the bathroom. “That’s the first spew of my pregnancy.”
“I blame the turkey,” I said pushing past for a turn at the bowl.
“But you didn’t even eat the turkey.”
“Exactly,” I said with a splatter. “That’s how bad it was.”
But I had no idea how bad it was until, this silly season, I went to see some turkeys.
“There must be quite a build up of stock for Christmas,” I said to my animal liberationist guide, Emma, as [...]
Video »
Satire – Golden Gavel 2010
My speech in the NSW Young Lawyer’s Golden Gavel public speaking competition in 2010.
Competitors are assigned a topic at random less than 24 hours before the event. My topic was ‘Barristers – without solicitors they’re really just fluff and stuffing’. 500+ lawyers watch the event.
This was the last year I am ‘young’ enough to compete so I went for broke and tried to put on a real show. I also took the opportunity to made fun of: the President of Young Lawyers, the President of the Lawyer Society and the Honourable Justice Bergin Chief Judge in Equity of [...]
Audio »
Guerilla Law – complaints about police
I set up my ‘free legal advice’ stall in Glebe. Two young men sat down and said they were sick of being hassled by the police. I told them that the best thing to do would be to avoid the police in question. I also told them how to make a complaint about the police.
I recorded the conversation and it was broadcast on 2SER’s law show ‘Radio Atticus’. You can listen below:
See Radio Atticus at 2SER for the full show.
Media »
Satire – engineers beat lawyers
As the team of lawyers were quick to point out, 11 of the 27 prime ministers of this country have practised law. So how did a team of engineers convince an audience that they, rather than lawyers, would make better politicians, when even Gillard and Abbott both have law degrees?
Try this argument from the engineers’ second speaker, Andrew Pratley: “Australia had only one choice at the election, and that was to elect a lawyer. And what did we do? We rejected them both.”
The inaugural debate between Young Engineers Australia Sydney Division and the Law Society of NSW Young Lawyers was [...]
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Satire – What Makes a Man Bare All?
Anthony’s 2004 Adelaide Fringe debut takes us on a journey that bares all. With musical support from Gary and Rob (and constant interruptions by Michael Hicks), the show features such unusual explorations as:
• why spotted ties send the wrong message
• the rejection letter poem
• the army, cocaine, grenades and me
• why thinking about work can actually increase arousal
• losing your virginity; beware the dark blue ring
• hard up at the puppetry of the penis auditions
• the brighter side of breaking your penis
• a long weekend sleeping out with the homeless
If there is a place in hell for you [...]
