Gonzo Journalism – Aboriginal Tent Embassy
The few times I’ve been to Canberra, I’ve felt drawn to the Aboriginal Tent Embassy. Australians are an obedient lot and, once in a while, it’s nice to see some ‘un-Australian’ breaking of rules.
So this year, on Australia Day, I decided to leave my de facto and baby at home – for my first night away since our boy’s birth – and camp at the Tent Embassy for its 40th anniversary celebration. For the first time in almost a year, I might get a decent night’s sleep.
I arrived to see TV crews leaving and an angry speaker on stage. I [...]
Gonzo Journalism – Up Close and Legal
The Historic Houses Trust recently launched a new walking tour called Up Close and Legal promising “a closer look at the inferior courts” and answers to age-old questions such as: “Why are magistrates so busy?”.
Probably – I thought as I readied my feet for the tour (skipping nail-clipping, but swapping my socks so the largest holes lined up with the littlest toes) – because they’re lawyers.
With a 9am start, the tour was clearly not meant for the profession and I arrived just as our guide (a lawyer) called for introductions. Feeling obvious among the retirees, I outed myself, as a [...]
Gonzo Journalism – Turkey Business
Last Christmas, I was poisoned by my mother-in-law. It was nothing personal. She poisoned her heavily pregnant daughter as well.
“Urgh!” announced my better half from the bathroom. “That’s the first spew of my pregnancy.”
“I blame the turkey,” I said pushing past for a turn at the bowl.
“But you didn’t even eat the turkey.”
“Exactly,” I said with a splatter. “That’s how bad it was.”
But I had no idea how bad it was until, this silly season, I went to see some turkeys.
“There must be quite a build up of stock for Christmas,” I said to my animal liberationist guide, Emma, as [...]
Gonzo Journalism – Tony Laumberg
When I’m not busy Googling myself, I like to flip through the pages of the Law Society Journal … looking for myself. Recently, I spotted an ad for a play by writer, producer, and fellow lawyer Tony Laumberg. I noted with interest that Find Me A Lawyer would be his eleventh annual production of “fun and frivolity” with a legal hook. Eleven plays!
I felt a jealous pang, tossed the Journal aside and resumed Googling myself.
I could not help but be drawn to the reviews of my own comedy shows: “the show … didn’t seem to have much point” (Adelaide Fix, [...]
Gonzo Journalism – Medically Supervised Injecting Centre
“I’d like to be a fly on your wall,” I said. “I’ll just sit there quietly, watching users inject.”
“No, we made a decision about that sort of thing a long time ago. We’re a health service, not a zoo,” said the guy who took my call at the Medically Supervised Injecting Centre. “Why don’t you come on one of our guided tours?”
“You have tours?”
“We started doing them when we first started out – mostly for health workers and the local community. Ten years later, we’re still doing tours.”
So, they took down my name and profession and, on a Tuesday afternoon, [...]
Gonzo Journalism – Malaysian Swap
As a long financial year drew to a close, my psyche told me I needed a holiday. My accountant told me I needed deductions. And so, I flew myself and my family (read: employees) to a resort in Malaysia for a Journal of Contract Law conference.
After making myself Robinson Crusoe by showing up to the first session in shorts, I slunk back to my room to change into my suit, returning in time for lunch. Of course, the Australia/Malaysia refugee swap was the buffet-queue stopper.
“We have no right to criticise,” said one Malaysian lawyer. “We are awful to refugees.”
I suddenly [...]
Gonzo Journalism – Lawyer in the Making
My de facto Sally is, at the time of writing, just over 40 weeks pregnant. It’s our first. We’re expecting a boy. And I want our son to have all the things that I never had: a prescribed career path, parental pressure, and a boater. So, to get our boy off to the best possible start, Sally, belly and I went to the recent Independent Schools Expo to ” ask all the questions parents need to ask to assess a school’s suitability for their child” or, in this instance, foetus.
” Getting in early I see,” said the woman at the [...]
Gonzo Journalism – Graduation Day
After a long and difficult battle, my university finally succumbed, and I became a graduand for a Master of Dispute Resolution (with Honours).
The ceremonial instructions displayed a typical lack of humour (with a touch of passive voice): “You must return your academic dress … within one hour of the close of your graduation ceremony … By hiring the academic dress, you agree [we are] entitled to charge you the full purchase price … if it is not returned by the return time.”
I thought I should try out my new qualification in dispute resolution (with much dishonour) by taking off, and [...]
Gonzo Journalism – International Be Kind to Lawyers Day
The second Tuesday in April was the inaugural International Be Kind To Lawyers Day. The day was conceived by a non-lawyer who explains at www.bekindtolawyers.com that he feels sorry for lawyers and thinks we should be “treated like regular people” for at least one day a year. To celebrate the day, I planned to seek kindness by sitting in Martin Place, in my suit, next to a sign stating “lawyer” with an arrow pointing to me.
But, alas, duty called. A regular corporate client wanted me to work from their office for the day. Not wanting to forsake the day (and [...]
Gonzo Journalism – Street Count
It was a Monday. Having arranged to work from home for the day, I snuck in a nap after lunch and, as soon as I’d tucked in the clients for the night, I went straight to bed. Alas, this is not my usual routine. I was readying myself for a night shift, walking the streets, counting homeless people. I had volunteered for ‘Street Count’ – the City of Sydney’s annual count of the city’s homeless population.
I tried to sleep, but the neighbours had gone to bed early – and randy – and seemed intent on letting everyone know. I think [...]
Gonzo Journalism – Erin Brockovich
I recently discovered in my letterbox an invitation to be “a special guest at an afternoon with Erin Brockovich” to celebrate the launch of a law firm’s new Sydney office. I wondered why I had been invited. On reading that “Erin has been working with the firm since 2007″, I wondered why a law firm would need a non-lawyer like Erin Brockovich to help them with their work. I decided to find out.
I accepted the invitation. I re-watched the film. I went to my local library and borrowed the co-authored self-help book that had followed. And I arrived at the [...]
Lexcursions – No Pants Train Ride
This year marked the tenth annual ‘No Pants Train Ride’ – a flash mob event, originating from the US, where participants take off their pants and go riding on trains. The local chapter encouraged attendance, but warned that “participants are subject to the laws of ‘Offensive Conduct’ enforced by NSW Police and ‘Offensive Behaviour’ enforced by Transit Police”.
Having attended last year sans-pants, I thought, this year, I would go in my trousers and my ‘professional capacity’. And as the pants-free train riders circled Sydney on trains, I spoke to people on platforms to find out whether the proverbial man (or [...]
Lexcursions – Life after Law
‘Reinvent Your Career’ was the theme of a recent expo at the Sydney Convention Centre, promising representatives from “organisations excited to meet mature-age career transitioners”. I set off to find out just how excited they would be to meet me, in the guise of a lawyer who had been forced into the ultimate career transition.
“I’ve just lost my practising certificate.”
The recruiter from ASIS was still excited to meet me.
That’s great,” she said, shaking my hand. “Half our intake last year were lawyers.
“An ex-lawyer,” I corrected.
“It really doesn’t matter – so long as the issue was nothing criminal.”
“No. Not as yet.”
“Then [...]
Lexcursions – Secret Santa
“We are desperately seeking Santas,” pleaded an employment agency’s ad in the paper. “There’s a shortfall of a few hundred … to fill roles in shopping centres and department stores.” The deputy editor of LSJ brought the item to my attention.
“If they’re that desperate,” she said, “maybe you should apply.”
Dutifully, I rang the ‘Santa hotline’ and was patched through to a faraway woman for a telephone interview.
I was expecting 20 questions. I was asked about three. Did I like Christmas? Could I handle the suit and fake beard? And of course: ‘Do you like children?’
“I love children,” I replied. “But [...]
Lexcursions – Cutting through Clerkships
A university was kind enough to send me an invitation, via Twitter, to a ‘Clerkship Networking Evening’, promoted as providing “an invaluable opportunity … to allow students to ascertain which firms they will target … Similarly, it allows the representatives from each firm to identify potential employees and interact with candidates in … free-flowing discussion.”
I thought I would test just how freely the discussion would flow when I, posing as a cocky young law student, approached the law firms with one question in mind: “So, who pays the most?”
The woman from HR was confused.
“As in, which clients pay the most?”
“Who [...]
Lexcursions – Smokin’ at the Ball
The annual Young Professionals Charity Ball took place in September to raise money for the Royal Flying Doctors. The invitation asked: “Ever wanted to dance with a doctor, liaise with a lawyer, engage with an engineer or accost an accountant?” Never having wanted to do any of those things, I decided not to attend.
But a week before the event, I met a young lawyer who got me to thinking. He said he planned to attend, but felt nervous because he had just quit smoking and thought he might be tempted to lapse on the night. It made me wonder which [...]
Lexcursions – Graffiti Clean Up Day
This year, the NSW Attorney General announced the inaugural Graffiti Action Day – a sort of ‘Clean Up Australia Day’ for graffiti. I’ve always had a soft spot for graffiti and so decided to take action. My plan: to volunteer and, working from the inside, persuade my fellow cleaners to preserve an artistic piece or two.
I arrived at the nominated Redfern address at the appointed time and circled the block looking for pieces most worthy of preservation. I couldn’t see much graffiti about and, wondering what we would clean, returned to the meeting point to find a woman sitting twiddling [...]
Lexcursions – Drinking with the Enemy
Instead of watching Australia’s World Cup matches from the comfort of my own home (or the discomfort of Darling Harbour), I decided to go to opposition dens – wearing, of course, green and gold.
Locating dens for Germany and Serbia was easy, both having dedicated clubs in Sydney, but for Ghana I needed some help.
Perusing the Ghana Association website, I came across the name of a Ghanaian lawyer, Kwame Koramoah. I cold-called. “I want to go drinking with the enemy,” I explained. “Can you help me find a gang of Ghanaians at midnight on Saturday night?” Kwame thought a chaperone might [...]
Lexcursions – How Golden was my Gavel?
The following is an edited version of my Golden Gavel swansong on 21 May 2010 for Law Week. I had been asked to speak on the topic: ‘Barristers: without solicitors, they’re really just fluff and stuffing’.
[Anthony walks on stage wearing what is effectively a fat suit made of teddy bears: one stuffed up his shirt, one in the back of his pants and one stuffed halfway down the front of his pants.]
… Don’t get me wrong – I like barristers. Everyone likes a bit of fluff – on the side. And I’m all for stuffing – on the front, on [...]
Lexcursions – Unprecedented Lunch
I first encountered the book Letters for Lawyers in the old Sydney University law library some years ago. This book of conveyancing precedents, now nearly a decade in print, had become as weathered and worn as the library itself. A splitting spine spoke of perusals aplenty and many a pressing against photocopier glass.
When I first encountered the book’s author, Garry Barnsley (in much better shape than his book), I was curious about this local pioneer in legal precedent publishing. I wondered what would make such a (doubtlessly boring) man tick. And so, when planning a trip to his locale, I [...]
Lexcursions – Choose Your Own Obsession
“I want to design a computer game about lawyers, for lawyers,” I announced to my group at the Computer Game Design Workshop.
The workshop was part of a ‘retro gaming weekend’ at the Sydney Powerhouse Museum. A professor of ‘gameology’ was hosting what she described as “a four hour geek-fest” to teach about 30 of us how to design our own computer games.
The five other geeks in my group considered my proposition.
“Are you thinking RPG?”
“It could be,” I said (trying to cover my then ignorance of the acronym for ‘role playing game’.)
“I guess it could work [...]
Lexcursions – Little Congwong Beach
In February the police raided an unofficial nude beach in Sydney – Little Congwong Beach – and demanded the unclothed reclothe, or else.
People have been going naked at the beach for decades, but it was my first visit there when I met Juan and his wife Katina at the beach on a sunny Saturday morning.
“We don’t know everyone here by name,” said Juan as we walked to their favourite spot. “But we tend to see the same faces every week … and sometimes we see more than that.”
Katina stripped off and lay on her towel.
Juan did [...]
Lexcursions – Firm Recruitment at Pet Fair
My law firm does not have a real office, but if it did it, I imagine it would be quite nice to have an office pet. Something to help settle the clients. A waiting-room stress ball, with fur.
Seeking such a pet for my firm, I went to Sydney University’s Veterinary School pet fair. Following (and sometimes holding) my nose, I stopped at a white rabbit settled in a big man’s stroking hands.
“I’m looking for a pet for my law firm,” I said. “Would this make a good office pet?”
“A ‘Rex’ rabbit might work,” he said. “It’s a [...]
Lexcursions – The Medium is the Message
You might have noticed the recent advertising campaign for holidays in Daylesford. My partner Sally certainly did. And we (being she) chose Daylesford for our Christmas holidays.
If it had been Christmas 1864, we might have regretted the decision. Daylesford was then the scene of a notorious murder: local resident Margaret Graham was killed by a murderer who, allegedly, had come down the chimney.
Christmas was ruined! Daylesford’s populace was afraid. The police charged a vagrant, David Young, with the crime.
Evidence was adduced from a doctor (a ‘Dr Doolittle’), a scientist (“I cannot dis-tinguish male hairs from female hairs”), [...]
Lexcursions – Getting into the Gift-Giving Spirit
Do you struggle over what to get people for Christmas or Hannukah? It is a difficult time of year, filled with difficult people, but if you make time to pause in your armchair, and take an internet excursion, you can find the perfect gifts to make the season merrier for you.
If your employees expect an annual bonus, then this year, write a cheque and place it inside a ‘Trick Wooden Puzzle Box’. “The puzzle is to open the puzzle box.” Naturally, “if they can’t do the puzzle, they can’t have the gift”. (http://tinyurl.com/yfmmotr)
If you have been acting for a valued [...]
Lexcursions – Tie Me Up
There is a look for every occasion – a suitable colour and style for every moment and mood. But, for the male lawyer, constructing the right look for a legal occasion comes down pretty much to the right choice of tie. I ponder this often as I try to select the right strip of dangling colour to brighten an otherwise grey pinstriped day.
How might menswear sales assistants respond, I wondered, if I gave them the task of selecting just the right tie, for just the right occasion, for me – a lawyer who seemed just a little bit wrong.
I sat [...]
Lexcursions – We Have Everything Here in Fiji
This year, my partner (as in romantic, not professional) and I decided to have a holiday in Fiji. We booked the holiday and, a week later, Fiji’s constitution was suspended. After a little deliberation, we decided to go anyway. And, given the recent events, we (as in I) thought we should take the opportunity to see how Fiji’s legal institutions are holding up.
Our driver, Ramesh, collected us from our resort. Driving at sedate speeds, he shared his thoughts all the way to the magistrates court of a village nearby. Ramesh was dismayed at the damage being done to Fiji by [...]
Lexcursions – Parkour: Running Free
Parkour is a sport (of sorts) played in public spaces. It involves running and jumping and climbing over walls and stairs and almost anything else. It is sort of like skateboarding, with no skateboard. Or surfing, on coral, with no surfboard, or water.
On a sunny Sunday afternoon, I went to Pyrmont Point for an Australian Parkour Association beginner’s class. I spotted a guy doing back-flips.
“Are you with Parkour?”
“Yeah, you register over there – under the tree.”
Beneath (and in) the tree were at least a hundred young folks bouncing and chatting and leaping about. I had seen them, but did not [...]
Lexcursions – Pro Bono in Public
The National Pro Bono Resource Centre encourages each lawyer to provide at least 35 hours of pro bono legal advice every year. I signed up to this aspirational target and, in the very first year of the scheme, met my non-billing budget. But my contribution wasn’t noted in the centre’s annual report – I forgot to submit my first pro bono timesheet.
This year, the centre announced a competition for short films about pro bono legal advice. Pro bono for prizes, indeed, cash prizes! This was more like it. This year, I decided, not only would I meet my pro bono [...]
Lexcursions – The Perils of Technology
Sydney recently hosted the Australian version of the world’s biggest IT exhibition – CeBIT. (That’s short for Centrum der Büro- und Informationstechnik.)
I went along to run a little ruse. I adopted the guise of a partner from a large law firm, looking for technology to help make my firm more efficient. Something to help the firm reduce costs. Something, I said, to help make a few people redundant.
I arrived, in a sharp suit and stern tie, scanned my ticket, hung it around my neck, and entered the hall. Exhibitors stood, clutching pamphlets, willing me with their smiles to peruse pretty [...]
Lexcursions – Fancy Footwork and Hustling Rents for Paper Profits
I WAS BACK! I HAD BEATEN hundreds of other hopefuls to get to the finals and was now representing Queensland (of all places) in the Australian Monopoly Championships, held last month on the vertiginous 88th floor of Melbourne’s Eureka Tower.
My last shot at the title, back in ’91, when I was South Australia’s best, had been not quite good enough. Since then, I had spent 18 long years waiting, biding my time, distracting myself with the law, and all the while honing my skills in negotiating deals, managing risks and, of course, most important of all – fighting dirty.
My start [...]
Writing »
Gonzo Journalism – Aboriginal Tent Embassy
The few times I’ve been to Canberra, I’ve felt drawn to the Aboriginal Tent Embassy. Australians are an obedient lot and, once in a while, it’s nice to see some ‘un-Australian’ breaking of rules.
So this year, on Australia Day, I decided to leave my de facto and baby at home – for my first night away since our boy’s birth – and camp at the Tent Embassy for its 40th anniversary celebration. For the first time in almost a year, I might get a decent night’s sleep.
I arrived to see TV crews leaving and an angry speaker on stage. I [...]
Video »
Satire – Golden Gavel 2010
My speech in the NSW Young Lawyer’s Golden Gavel public speaking competition in 2010.
Competitors are assigned a topic at random less than 24 hours before the event. My topic was ‘Barristers – without solicitors they’re really just fluff and stuffing’. 500+ lawyers watch the event.
This was the last year I am ‘young’ enough to compete so I went for broke and tried to put on a real show. I also took the opportunity to made fun of: the President of Young Lawyers, the President of the Lawyer Society and the Honourable Justice Bergin Chief Judge in Equity of [...]
Audio »
Guerilla Law – complaints about police
I set up my ‘free legal advice’ stall in Glebe. Two young men sat down and said they were sick of being hassled by the police. I told them that the best thing to do would be to avoid the police in question. I also told them how to make a complaint about the police.
I recorded the conversation and it was broadcast on 2SER’s law show ‘Radio Atticus’. You can listen below:
See Radio Atticus at 2SER for the full show.
Media »
Satire – engineers beat lawyers
As the team of lawyers were quick to point out, 11 of the 27 prime ministers of this country have practised law. So how did a team of engineers convince an audience that they, rather than lawyers, would make better politicians, when even Gillard and Abbott both have law degrees?
Try this argument from the engineers’ second speaker, Andrew Pratley: “Australia had only one choice at the election, and that was to elect a lawyer. And what did we do? We rejected them both.”
The inaugural debate between Young Engineers Australia Sydney Division and the Law Society of NSW Young Lawyers was [...]
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Satire – What Makes a Man Bare All?
Anthony’s 2004 Adelaide Fringe debut takes us on a journey that bares all. With musical support from Gary and Rob (and constant interruptions by Michael Hicks), the show features such unusual explorations as:
• why spotted ties send the wrong message
• the rejection letter poem
• the army, cocaine, grenades and me
• why thinking about work can actually increase arousal
• losing your virginity; beware the dark blue ring
• hard up at the puppetry of the penis auditions
• the brighter side of breaking your penis
• a long weekend sleeping out with the homeless
If there is a place in hell for you [...]
