Visas
Visas. Be they the stamps that fill passports or the cards that drain wallets, one cannot go far without either.
My partner, Deb, and I obtained our Indian tourist visas well in?advance.
“After all” said our barely competent travel agent “we all know how slowly the cogs of Indian bureaucracy turn.” “Oh yes” we nodded knowingly, not actually knowing anything about cogs let alone ‘Indian bureaucracy’.
India’s bureaucratic cogs turned at record pace mincing us in the process. Our visas were granted within a week and, to our dismay, started to run immediately from the date of issue.
At least our travel agent managed [...]
Cricket
Standing room was tight in the dusty TV shop on the last day of the Chennai Test Match. An Indian victory was imminent and the local men were undivided in their attention on their cricketing heroes. That is, until Deb and I squeezed into the shop creating a painful dilemma as to whether to stare at the screen or this western woman who had just walked in the room. It may have been one of India’s finest cricketing moments, but here was a real live white woman with real live breasts to stare at. Hell, even a quick grope may [...]
Yoshi
Travellers of all nationalities abound in India, each behaving in their own odd ways and carving out unique reputations for their compatriots.
Brits have a reputation for never leaving Goa, roasting in the sun and partying hard. Americans are known for… well lets just say I have witnessed one incredible hissy fit over black coffee (or nescoffee as it is known in India) costing one rupee more than white nescoffee. Australians are renowned for our rougher, perhaps uncultured, nature and I often found myself cringing on hearing one of us use the word “youse”.
One notable ambassador for his country who did [...]
Kumbh Mela
When 30 million people get together to bathe at the confluence of three rivers (one of which is imaginary) one knows that it is going to be a pretty special day. According to the stars who read the stars, the 24th of January was to be the holiest day to be at the Kumbh Mela. As this was also the Maha Kumbh, occurring only once every 144 years, it was to be a most auspicious occasion. All who bathed were promised to wash away all their bad karma and perhaps even secure a direct route to heaven. I doubted that [...]
Karma
What goes around comes around. Though occasionally what goes around comes around before it even goes around, which can rather leave one wondering whether they are coming or going… in a round about way.
My partner, Deb, and I were fortunate enough to experience karma’s more subtle workings while on an attempt to navigate the unpredictable seas of India’s postal, banking and other bureaucratic systems.
Our previous postal experience had been a disaster leaving us convinced that the term ‘postal worker’ is truly a contradiction in terms in India. Neither rain, nor hail, nor sleet, nor snow actually inside the post office [...]
Camel Trek
In the middle of India’s desert state of Rajasthan there is a holy lake. Around the lake, temples, shrines, ghats and all manner of whitewashed buildings jostle to be nearest to its sacred waters. This is the town of Pushkar. It is a powerfully spiritual place that attracts Hindu holy men, but like so many places in India, the depth of Hinduism also attracts the shallowness of tourism. Pushkar is often overrun with tourists and occasionally overrun with camels as the host of India’s biggest annual camel fair. It was in Pushkar that these influences combined to inspire my partner, [...]
India Heads
As our travels in India drew to a close, my partner, Deb, and I started making the gruesome transformation from travellers into tourists, with the strange result that we were doing a hell of a lot more travelling.
We were discussing our degradation with a group of our fellow India Heads. They were clearly unsympathetic.
“We are travellers, not tourists and we are each doing India in our own individual ways” they declared while their piercings and dreadlocks bounced and flapped together in unison as if to punctuate the point.
At one point, someone must have bounced when they should have flapped as [...]
Queues
It seems that, despite having endless lives worth of time to play with, Indians experience an overwhelming and irrational sense of panic when faced with a ‘queue’. It is not sufficient to merely wait one’s turn. Rather, one should use every effort, including (if not especially) physical force, to get ahead in the ‘queue’ (or clumpish mass of flesh that ‘queues’ tend to deteriorate into).
This is where being six foot tall with face piercings and a bison arse comes in handy. A long history of earning positions in basketball teams through rebounding and boxing out ability alone is also most [...]
Toilets
Toilets are a big part of life in India and anything is fair game for a urinal. After all, even Gandhi had to piss occasionally.
Although, judging by the appalling lack of facilities for women, it seems that Mrs Gandhi didn’t.
All travellers to India spend hours on toilets, which can be an especially unpleasant use of one’s time. Particularly, I am told, in the women’s public toilets where some local women (perhaps overcome by actually finding a loo) will not quite make those last few steps to a cubicle and will settle for a spot on the floor.
My greatest w.c. highlight [...]
Mumbai
Mumbai. Bombay. Either way, it is a city overlooked by many. Indeed, the Lonely Planet confirms that “most travellers miss out on Mumbai, tending to hang around long enough only to organise transport to Goa.”
Frequently, I have heard people speak of their shock on arriving at Mumbai and being greeted with smog thin with air and endless slums threatening to drown the city in a brown ocean of despair. (I for one certainly expected to step off of the plane into sweet coastal air and the tree lined streets of suburban bliss – white picket fences and all).
My partner, Deb, [...]
Writing »
Gonzo Journalism – Turkey Business
Last Christmas, I was poisoned by my mother-in-law. It was nothing personal. She poisoned her heavily pregnant daughter as well.
“Urgh!” announced my better half from the bathroom. “That’s the first spew of my pregnancy.”
“I blame the turkey,” I said pushing past for a turn at the bowl.
“But you didn’t even eat the turkey.”
“Exactly,” I said with a splatter. “That’s how bad it was.”
But I had no idea how bad it was until, this silly season, I went to see some turkeys.
“There must be quite a build up of stock for Christmas,” I said to my animal liberationist guide, Emma, as [...]
Video »
Satire – Golden Gavel 2010
My speech in the NSW Young Lawyer’s Golden Gavel public speaking competition in 2010.
Competitors are assigned a topic at random less than 24 hours before the event. My topic was ‘Barristers – without solicitors they’re really just fluff and stuffing’. 500+ lawyers watch the event.
This was the last year I am ‘young’ enough to compete so I went for broke and tried to put on a real show. I also took the opportunity to made fun of: the President of Young Lawyers, the President of the Lawyer Society and the Honourable Justice Bergin Chief Judge in Equity of [...]
Audio »
Guerilla Law – complaints about police
I set up my ‘free legal advice’ stall in Glebe. Two young men sat down and said they were sick of being hassled by the police. I told them that the best thing to do would be to avoid the police in question. I also told them how to make a complaint about the police.
I recorded the conversation and it was broadcast on 2SER’s law show ‘Radio Atticus’. You can listen below:
See Radio Atticus at 2SER for the full show.
Media »
Satire – engineers beat lawyers
As the team of lawyers were quick to point out, 11 of the 27 prime ministers of this country have practised law. So how did a team of engineers convince an audience that they, rather than lawyers, would make better politicians, when even Gillard and Abbott both have law degrees?
Try this argument from the engineers’ second speaker, Andrew Pratley: “Australia had only one choice at the election, and that was to elect a lawyer. And what did we do? We rejected them both.”
The inaugural debate between Young Engineers Australia Sydney Division and the Law Society of NSW Young Lawyers was [...]
Store »
Satire – What Makes a Man Bare All?
Anthony’s 2004 Adelaide Fringe debut takes us on a journey that bares all. With musical support from Gary and Rob (and constant interruptions by Michael Hicks), the show features such unusual explorations as:
• why spotted ties send the wrong message
• the rejection letter poem
• the army, cocaine, grenades and me
• why thinking about work can actually increase arousal
• losing your virginity; beware the dark blue ring
• hard up at the puppetry of the penis auditions
• the brighter side of breaking your penis
• a long weekend sleeping out with the homeless
If there is a place in hell for you [...]
