Bad Saturday
Some years ago on Holy Thursday, the night before Good Friday, I was at the casino having an unholy good time. Drinking and gambling, on filthy feet. And winning! But midnight arrived and they closed the place up. Gambling is banned on Good Friday, so everyone left the casino using the Lord’s name in vain.
Ever since, I have wondered what happens when the casino reopens. What happens when Good Friday gives way to the next day? Bad Saturday.
I spruced myself up to find out. I donned my latest op shop suit; a brown plaid sort of a number. I wore [...]
Trials of a Bike Courier
I rejoined the Law Society at its very reasonable rate for non-practicing lawyers. It was my first move on returning from London some ago. Actually, it was my second move. My first move was to move in with my parents. My third move was to move out.
I may have been unemployed, but I was still qualified. Qualified (so said my new landlord) to rent. Phone, electricity, gas, water, food and (cask) wine soon followed. And bills with no billables, does not a happy lawyer make.
My profession was calling, but another called louder. I knew what I had to do and [...]
New Year’s Eve at the RAH
I arrived at the Royal Adelaide Hospital at noon on New Year’s Eve. My plan was to sit in the accident and emergency waiting room for twenty four hours, straddling the midnight celebrations by twelve hours either side, and watch the carnage roll in. And so, I met with security to collect my visitor’s pass.
“If you need anything, just ask and we’ll do our best to accommodate you,” said the security guard. “But there’s just one thing we ask. If you see any problems – do not approach the problem.”
“No problem.”
I took up a chair in waiting room. An automated [...]
Land Warfare Conference
A couple of weeks ago, Adelaide played host to a conference on warfare. The event rotates between capital cities each year, but this time, instead of wooing the host city, the conference hid beneath fears of terrorism, sneaking into the Convention Centre unannounced. ABC Radio found out (the DSTO’s web site gave it away) and managed to interview a spokesman who confirmed “Yes, the conference is happening, but we don’t want to talk about it.” Hardly a scoop.
I wanted to see the conference, but even more so I wanted to get in under its skin. I wanted to see the [...]
The Loved One
Gotcha
I stood at the curb, watching the hopefuls lining up outside Caos Café. They had come to audition to become professional flirts. It’s a new job in Adelaide! Gotcha Enterprises has arrived. And it was holding auditions for fresh bait, to use in its business of catching out cheating partners. On behalf of their better, suspicious, halves.
Gotcha’s clients provide Gotcha with a photo of their partner and details of their day to day life. Then Gotcha sends out its flirts to intercept them, and test them, to see if they stray. Gotcha reports back to the client. And the future [...]
Wrestling with a Conscience
I had never been to a wrestling match before. But violence begets violence, and so expecting trouble I prepared my defences. I wore steel caps. I even took a spare set of shoes in my bag – in case violence had begotten so much violence that steel caps had been banned!
The woman on the door had other concerns.
“Raffle ticket?”
“Um… sure. What do I win?”
“A magnum of champagne and these kitchen scales.”
Quite a combination. “Okay, Give me two tickets.”
I entered the arena. Lights bright, music pumping, I surveyed the crowd feeling well out of place [...]
Adelaide Explorer
At 9:05 am every day, the Adelaide Explorer leaves from Bee Hive Corner.
At 9:20 am, just about every day, the Adelaide Explorer turns down my street and startles me into action. I race to the front door for the passing parade and, boxer shorted, stand smile and wave!
No one ever waves back. Not ever. Are the highlights so high, the commentary so compelling, that no notice is afforded the stark waving mad?
At 9:05 am, just the other day, the Adelaide Explorer left from Bee Hive Corner. I was aboard. I wore considerably more than short boxer shorts.
The Adelaide Explorer [...]
Confessions of a Penis Puppeteer
‘Puppetry Of The Penis’ is certainly a show to see, but then anyone can go along to the show. I wanted to experience something more. I wanted to see ‘Puppetry Of The Penis’ auditions! In fact, I reasoned, I wanted an insider’s view – after all, if anything could be funnier than seeing professionals doing tricks with their dicks it would have to be seeing poor amateurs doing the same. As much as the prospect filled me with fear, I could think of only one way to see the auditions; I would have to go and audition myself. Which was [...]
Writing »
Gonzo Journalism – Aboriginal Tent Embassy
The few times I’ve been to Canberra, I’ve felt drawn to the Aboriginal Tent Embassy. Australians are an obedient lot and, once in a while, it’s nice to see some ‘un-Australian’ breaking of rules.
So this year, on Australia Day, I decided to leave my de facto and baby at home – for my first night away since our boy’s birth – and camp at the Tent Embassy for its 40th anniversary celebration. For the first time in almost a year, I might get a decent night’s sleep.
I arrived to see TV crews leaving and an angry speaker on stage. I [...]
Video »
Satire – Golden Gavel 2010
My speech in the NSW Young Lawyer’s Golden Gavel public speaking competition in 2010.
Competitors are assigned a topic at random less than 24 hours before the event. My topic was ‘Barristers – without solicitors they’re really just fluff and stuffing’. 500+ lawyers watch the event.
This was the last year I am ‘young’ enough to compete so I went for broke and tried to put on a real show. I also took the opportunity to made fun of: the President of Young Lawyers, the President of the Lawyer Society and the Honourable Justice Bergin Chief Judge in Equity of [...]
Audio »
Guerilla Law – complaints about police
I set up my ‘free legal advice’ stall in Glebe. Two young men sat down and said they were sick of being hassled by the police. I told them that the best thing to do would be to avoid the police in question. I also told them how to make a complaint about the police.
I recorded the conversation and it was broadcast on 2SER’s law show ‘Radio Atticus’. You can listen below:
See Radio Atticus at 2SER for the full show.
Media »
Satire – engineers beat lawyers
As the team of lawyers were quick to point out, 11 of the 27 prime ministers of this country have practised law. So how did a team of engineers convince an audience that they, rather than lawyers, would make better politicians, when even Gillard and Abbott both have law degrees?
Try this argument from the engineers’ second speaker, Andrew Pratley: “Australia had only one choice at the election, and that was to elect a lawyer. And what did we do? We rejected them both.”
The inaugural debate between Young Engineers Australia Sydney Division and the Law Society of NSW Young Lawyers was [...]
Store »
Satire – What Makes a Man Bare All?
Anthony’s 2004 Adelaide Fringe debut takes us on a journey that bares all. With musical support from Gary and Rob (and constant interruptions by Michael Hicks), the show features such unusual explorations as:
• why spotted ties send the wrong message
• the rejection letter poem
• the army, cocaine, grenades and me
• why thinking about work can actually increase arousal
• losing your virginity; beware the dark blue ring
• hard up at the puppetry of the penis auditions
• the brighter side of breaking your penis
• a long weekend sleeping out with the homeless
If there is a place in hell for you [...]
