Gonzo Journalism – Aboriginal Tent Embassy
The few times I’ve been to Canberra, I’ve felt drawn to the Aboriginal Tent Embassy. Australians are an obedient lot and, once in a while, it’s nice to see some ‘un-Australian’ breaking of rules.
So this year, on Australia Day, I decided to leave my de facto and baby at home – for my first night away since our boy’s birth – and camp at the Tent Embassy for its 40th anniversary celebration. For the first time in almost a year, I might get a decent night’s sleep.
I arrived to see TV crews leaving and an angry speaker on stage. I [...]
Gonzo Journalism – Up Close and Legal
The Historic Houses Trust recently launched a new walking tour called Up Close and Legal promising “a closer look at the inferior courts” and answers to age-old questions such as: “Why are magistrates so busy?”.
Probably – I thought as I readied my feet for the tour (skipping nail-clipping, but swapping my socks so the largest holes lined up with the littlest toes) – because they’re lawyers.
With a 9am start, the tour was clearly not meant for the profession and I arrived just as our guide (a lawyer) called for introductions. Feeling obvious among the retirees, I outed myself, as a [...]
Gonzo Journalism – Turkey Business
Last Christmas, I was poisoned by my mother-in-law. It was nothing personal. She poisoned her heavily pregnant daughter as well.
“Urgh!” announced my better half from the bathroom. “That’s the first spew of my pregnancy.”
“I blame the turkey,” I said pushing past for a turn at the bowl.
“But you didn’t even eat the turkey.”
“Exactly,” I said with a splatter. “That’s how bad it was.”
But I had no idea how bad it was until, this silly season, I went to see some turkeys.
“There must be quite a build up of stock for Christmas,” I said to my animal liberationist guide, Emma, as [...]
Gonzo Journalism – Tony Laumberg
When I’m not busy Googling myself, I like to flip through the pages of the Law Society Journal … looking for myself. Recently, I spotted an ad for a play by writer, producer, and fellow lawyer Tony Laumberg. I noted with interest that Find Me A Lawyer would be his eleventh annual production of “fun and frivolity” with a legal hook. Eleven plays!
I felt a jealous pang, tossed the Journal aside and resumed Googling myself.
I could not help but be drawn to the reviews of my own comedy shows: “the show … didn’t seem to have much point” (Adelaide Fix, [...]
Gonzo Journalism – Medically Supervised Injecting Centre
“I’d like to be a fly on your wall,” I said. “I’ll just sit there quietly, watching users inject.”
“No, we made a decision about that sort of thing a long time ago. We’re a health service, not a zoo,” said the guy who took my call at the Medically Supervised Injecting Centre. “Why don’t you come on one of our guided tours?”
“You have tours?”
“We started doing them when we first started out – mostly for health workers and the local community. Ten years later, we’re still doing tours.”
So, they took down my name and profession and, on a Tuesday afternoon, [...]
Gonzo Journalism – Malaysian Swap
As a long financial year drew to a close, my psyche told me I needed a holiday. My accountant told me I needed deductions. And so, I flew myself and my family (read: employees) to a resort in Malaysia for a Journal of Contract Law conference.
After making myself Robinson Crusoe by showing up to the first session in shorts, I slunk back to my room to change into my suit, returning in time for lunch. Of course, the Australia/Malaysia refugee swap was the buffet-queue stopper.
“We have no right to criticise,” said one Malaysian lawyer. “We are awful to refugees.”
I suddenly [...]
Gonzo Journalism – Lawyer in the Making
My de facto Sally is, at the time of writing, just over 40 weeks pregnant. It’s our first. We’re expecting a boy. And I want our son to have all the things that I never had: a prescribed career path, parental pressure, and a boater. So, to get our boy off to the best possible start, Sally, belly and I went to the recent Independent Schools Expo to ” ask all the questions parents need to ask to assess a school’s suitability for their child” or, in this instance, foetus.
” Getting in early I see,” said the woman at the [...]
Gonzo Journalism – Graduation Day
After a long and difficult battle, my university finally succumbed, and I became a graduand for a Master of Dispute Resolution (with Honours).
The ceremonial instructions displayed a typical lack of humour (with a touch of passive voice): “You must return your academic dress … within one hour of the close of your graduation ceremony … By hiring the academic dress, you agree [we are] entitled to charge you the full purchase price … if it is not returned by the return time.”
I thought I should try out my new qualification in dispute resolution (with much dishonour) by taking off, and [...]
Gonzo Journalism – International Be Kind to Lawyers Day
The second Tuesday in April was the inaugural International Be Kind To Lawyers Day. The day was conceived by a non-lawyer who explains at www.bekindtolawyers.com that he feels sorry for lawyers and thinks we should be “treated like regular people” for at least one day a year. To celebrate the day, I planned to seek kindness by sitting in Martin Place, in my suit, next to a sign stating “lawyer” with an arrow pointing to me.
But, alas, duty called. A regular corporate client wanted me to work from their office for the day. Not wanting to forsake the day (and [...]
Gonzo Journalism – Street Count
It was a Monday. Having arranged to work from home for the day, I snuck in a nap after lunch and, as soon as I’d tucked in the clients for the night, I went straight to bed. Alas, this is not my usual routine. I was readying myself for a night shift, walking the streets, counting homeless people. I had volunteered for ‘Street Count’ – the City of Sydney’s annual count of the city’s homeless population.
I tried to sleep, but the neighbours had gone to bed early – and randy – and seemed intent on letting everyone know. I think [...]
Gonzo Journalism – Erin Brockovich
I recently discovered in my letterbox an invitation to be “a special guest at an afternoon with Erin Brockovich” to celebrate the launch of a law firm’s new Sydney office. I wondered why I had been invited. On reading that “Erin has been working with the firm since 2007″, I wondered why a law firm would need a non-lawyer like Erin Brockovich to help them with their work. I decided to find out.
I accepted the invitation. I re-watched the film. I went to my local library and borrowed the co-authored self-help book that had followed. And I arrived at the [...]
Lexcursions – No Pants Train Ride
This year marked the tenth annual ‘No Pants Train Ride’ – a flash mob event, originating from the US, where participants take off their pants and go riding on trains. The local chapter encouraged attendance, but warned that “participants are subject to the laws of ‘Offensive Conduct’ enforced by NSW Police and ‘Offensive Behaviour’ enforced by Transit Police”.
Having attended last year sans-pants, I thought, this year, I would go in my trousers and my ‘professional capacity’. And as the pants-free train riders circled Sydney on trains, I spoke to people on platforms to find out whether the proverbial man (or [...]
Lexcursions – Life after Law
‘Reinvent Your Career’ was the theme of a recent expo at the Sydney Convention Centre, promising representatives from “organisations excited to meet mature-age career transitioners”. I set off to find out just how excited they would be to meet me, in the guise of a lawyer who had been forced into the ultimate career transition.
“I’ve just lost my practising certificate.”
The recruiter from ASIS was still excited to meet me.
That’s great,” she said, shaking my hand. “Half our intake last year were lawyers.
“An ex-lawyer,” I corrected.
“It really doesn’t matter – so long as the issue was nothing criminal.”
“No. Not as yet.”
“Then [...]
Lexcursions – Secret Santa
“We are desperately seeking Santas,” pleaded an employment agency’s ad in the paper. “There’s a shortfall of a few hundred … to fill roles in shopping centres and department stores.” The deputy editor of LSJ brought the item to my attention.
“If they’re that desperate,” she said, “maybe you should apply.”
Dutifully, I rang the ‘Santa hotline’ and was patched through to a faraway woman for a telephone interview.
I was expecting 20 questions. I was asked about three. Did I like Christmas? Could I handle the suit and fake beard? And of course: ‘Do you like children?’
“I love children,” I replied. “But [...]
Lexcursions – Cutting through Clerkships
A university was kind enough to send me an invitation, via Twitter, to a ‘Clerkship Networking Evening’, promoted as providing “an invaluable opportunity … to allow students to ascertain which firms they will target … Similarly, it allows the representatives from each firm to identify potential employees and interact with candidates in … free-flowing discussion.”
I thought I would test just how freely the discussion would flow when I, posing as a cocky young law student, approached the law firms with one question in mind: “So, who pays the most?”
The woman from HR was confused.
“As in, which clients pay the most?”
“Who [...]
Lexcursions – Smokin’ at the Ball
The annual Young Professionals Charity Ball took place in September to raise money for the Royal Flying Doctors. The invitation asked: “Ever wanted to dance with a doctor, liaise with a lawyer, engage with an engineer or accost an accountant?” Never having wanted to do any of those things, I decided not to attend.
But a week before the event, I met a young lawyer who got me to thinking. He said he planned to attend, but felt nervous because he had just quit smoking and thought he might be tempted to lapse on the night. It made me wonder which [...]
Lexcursions – Graffiti Clean Up Day
This year, the NSW Attorney General announced the inaugural Graffiti Action Day – a sort of ‘Clean Up Australia Day’ for graffiti. I’ve always had a soft spot for graffiti and so decided to take action. My plan: to volunteer and, working from the inside, persuade my fellow cleaners to preserve an artistic piece or two.
I arrived at the nominated Redfern address at the appointed time and circled the block looking for pieces most worthy of preservation. I couldn’t see much graffiti about and, wondering what we would clean, returned to the meeting point to find a woman sitting twiddling [...]
Lexcursions – Drinking with the Enemy
Instead of watching Australia’s World Cup matches from the comfort of my own home (or the discomfort of Darling Harbour), I decided to go to opposition dens – wearing, of course, green and gold.
Locating dens for Germany and Serbia was easy, both having dedicated clubs in Sydney, but for Ghana I needed some help.
Perusing the Ghana Association website, I came across the name of a Ghanaian lawyer, Kwame Koramoah. I cold-called. “I want to go drinking with the enemy,” I explained. “Can you help me find a gang of Ghanaians at midnight on Saturday night?” Kwame thought a chaperone might [...]
Lexcursions – How Golden was my Gavel?
The following is an edited version of my Golden Gavel swansong on 21 May 2010 for Law Week. I had been asked to speak on the topic: ‘Barristers: without solicitors, they’re really just fluff and stuffing’.
[Anthony walks on stage wearing what is effectively a fat suit made of teddy bears: one stuffed up his shirt, one in the back of his pants and one stuffed halfway down the front of his pants.]
… Don’t get me wrong – I like barristers. Everyone likes a bit of fluff – on the side. And I’m all for stuffing – on the front, on [...]
Drinking with the Enemy – Australia v Germany from the Concordia Club
At 1:30am, my alarm tossed me out of bed and into a taxi.
“To Darling Harbour?”
I was actually headed (replete in my Australia-gear) for the Concordia Club, a German Club, but what the hell, it would be good to savour the mainstream Sydney scene.
“To Darling Harbour then! Many people about?”
“Too early to tell.”
I leapt from the cab at Darling Harbour with my train to Tempe due to leave Central Station in about 15 minutes.
The scene tasted like sick. The official ‘Fanfest’ appeared to be already full and, outside of the flashing lights of the compound, on the cold pavement [...]
Lexcursions – Unprecedented Lunch
I first encountered the book Letters for Lawyers in the old Sydney University law library some years ago. This book of conveyancing precedents, now nearly a decade in print, had become as weathered and worn as the library itself. A splitting spine spoke of perusals aplenty and many a pressing against photocopier glass.
When I first encountered the book’s author, Garry Barnsley (in much better shape than his book), I was curious about this local pioneer in legal precedent publishing. I wondered what would make such a (doubtlessly boring) man tick. And so, when planning a trip to his locale, I [...]
Lexcursions – Choose Your Own Obsession
“I want to design a computer game about lawyers, for lawyers,” I announced to my group at the Computer Game Design Workshop.
The workshop was part of a ‘retro gaming weekend’ at the Sydney Powerhouse Museum. A professor of ‘gameology’ was hosting what she described as “a four hour geek-fest” to teach about 30 of us how to design our own computer games.
The five other geeks in my group considered my proposition.
“Are you thinking RPG?”
“It could be,” I said (trying to cover my then ignorance of the acronym for ‘role playing game’.)
“I guess it could work [...]
Lexcursions – Little Congwong Beach
In February the police raided an unofficial nude beach in Sydney – Little Congwong Beach – and demanded the unclothed reclothe, or else.
People have been going naked at the beach for decades, but it was my first visit there when I met Juan and his wife Katina at the beach on a sunny Saturday morning.
“We don’t know everyone here by name,” said Juan as we walked to their favourite spot. “But we tend to see the same faces every week … and sometimes we see more than that.”
Katina stripped off and lay on her towel.
Juan did [...]
Lexcursions – Firm Recruitment at Pet Fair
My law firm does not have a real office, but if it did it, I imagine it would be quite nice to have an office pet. Something to help settle the clients. A waiting-room stress ball, with fur.
Seeking such a pet for my firm, I went to Sydney University’s Veterinary School pet fair. Following (and sometimes holding) my nose, I stopped at a white rabbit settled in a big man’s stroking hands.
“I’m looking for a pet for my law firm,” I said. “Would this make a good office pet?”
“A ‘Rex’ rabbit might work,” he said. “It’s a [...]
Lexcursions – The Medium is the Message
You might have noticed the recent advertising campaign for holidays in Daylesford. My partner Sally certainly did. And we (being she) chose Daylesford for our Christmas holidays.
If it had been Christmas 1864, we might have regretted the decision. Daylesford was then the scene of a notorious murder: local resident Margaret Graham was killed by a murderer who, allegedly, had come down the chimney.
Christmas was ruined! Daylesford’s populace was afraid. The police charged a vagrant, David Young, with the crime.
Evidence was adduced from a doctor (a ‘Dr Doolittle’), a scientist (“I cannot dis-tinguish male hairs from female hairs”), [...]
Lexcursions – Getting into the Gift-Giving Spirit
Do you struggle over what to get people for Christmas or Hannukah? It is a difficult time of year, filled with difficult people, but if you make time to pause in your armchair, and take an internet excursion, you can find the perfect gifts to make the season merrier for you.
If your employees expect an annual bonus, then this year, write a cheque and place it inside a ‘Trick Wooden Puzzle Box’. “The puzzle is to open the puzzle box.” Naturally, “if they can’t do the puzzle, they can’t have the gift”. (http://tinyurl.com/yfmmotr)
If you have been acting for a valued [...]
Lexcursions – Tie Me Up
There is a look for every occasion – a suitable colour and style for every moment and mood. But, for the male lawyer, constructing the right look for a legal occasion comes down pretty much to the right choice of tie. I ponder this often as I try to select the right strip of dangling colour to brighten an otherwise grey pinstriped day.
How might menswear sales assistants respond, I wondered, if I gave them the task of selecting just the right tie, for just the right occasion, for me – a lawyer who seemed just a little bit wrong.
I sat [...]
Lexcursions – We Have Everything Here in Fiji
This year, my partner (as in romantic, not professional) and I decided to have a holiday in Fiji. We booked the holiday and, a week later, Fiji’s constitution was suspended. After a little deliberation, we decided to go anyway. And, given the recent events, we (as in I) thought we should take the opportunity to see how Fiji’s legal institutions are holding up.
Our driver, Ramesh, collected us from our resort. Driving at sedate speeds, he shared his thoughts all the way to the magistrates court of a village nearby. Ramesh was dismayed at the damage being done to Fiji by [...]
Lexcursions – Parkour: Running Free
Parkour is a sport (of sorts) played in public spaces. It involves running and jumping and climbing over walls and stairs and almost anything else. It is sort of like skateboarding, with no skateboard. Or surfing, on coral, with no surfboard, or water.
On a sunny Sunday afternoon, I went to Pyrmont Point for an Australian Parkour Association beginner’s class. I spotted a guy doing back-flips.
“Are you with Parkour?”
“Yeah, you register over there – under the tree.”
Beneath (and in) the tree were at least a hundred young folks bouncing and chatting and leaping about. I had seen them, but did not [...]
Lexcursions – Pro Bono in Public
The National Pro Bono Resource Centre encourages each lawyer to provide at least 35 hours of pro bono legal advice every year. I signed up to this aspirational target and, in the very first year of the scheme, met my non-billing budget. But my contribution wasn’t noted in the centre’s annual report – I forgot to submit my first pro bono timesheet.
This year, the centre announced a competition for short films about pro bono legal advice. Pro bono for prizes, indeed, cash prizes! This was more like it. This year, I decided, not only would I meet my pro bono [...]
Lexcursions – The Perils of Technology
Sydney recently hosted the Australian version of the world’s biggest IT exhibition – CeBIT. (That’s short for Centrum der Büro- und Informationstechnik.)
I went along to run a little ruse. I adopted the guise of a partner from a large law firm, looking for technology to help make my firm more efficient. Something to help the firm reduce costs. Something, I said, to help make a few people redundant.
I arrived, in a sharp suit and stern tie, scanned my ticket, hung it around my neck, and entered the hall. Exhibitors stood, clutching pamphlets, willing me with their smiles to peruse pretty [...]
Lexcursions – Fancy Footwork and Hustling Rents for Paper Profits
I WAS BACK! I HAD BEATEN hundreds of other hopefuls to get to the finals and was now representing Queensland (of all places) in the Australian Monopoly Championships, held last month on the vertiginous 88th floor of Melbourne’s Eureka Tower.
My last shot at the title, back in ’91, when I was South Australia’s best, had been not quite good enough. Since then, I had spent 18 long years waiting, biding my time, distracting myself with the law, and all the while honing my skills in negotiating deals, managing risks and, of course, most important of all – fighting dirty.
My start [...]
The Final: Brazil v France from Santo Angelo
Our bus from Santo Tome arrived in Santo Angelo at 6pm. We originally intended to take an overnight bus to Porto Alegre, but our discussions with our (non English speaking) bus ticket agent had persuaded us that it would be impossible to reach Porto Alegre before Brazil’s match at 4pm the next day. Now, our discussions with our (non English speaking) bus conductor were confusing the issue.
The bus conductor alighted with us at Santo Angelo. Having already gleaned that we would like to ultimately go to Porto Alegre, he took us to the counter and started booking tickets on our [...]
Argentina v Germany from Santo Tome
Sao Borja was good to us. We replenished ourselves on healthy lunches at Hotel Brazil and explored the town without language or a map to help us out. There seemed nothing to do there but eat, sleep and hang around the hotel – three of my four favourite things and best done, in combination, with the fourth.
Studying the dining hall’s Mundial chart, I realised that we faced another round of back-to-back Argentina and Brazil matches. There would be only twenty-eight hours between kick offs. We decided to go back to nearby Santo Tome in Argentina in the morning to watch [...]
Brazil v Ghana from Sao Borja (I think)
Check out time at the Hotel Recidencial Misiones in Posadas was at the unholy hour of 10am. Despite our best plans to achieve much in the morning, while our packs were secure in our room, we only just made it out in time to beat the knock on the door.
The World Cup was starting to look tougher. We thought we were reasonably close to the Brazilian border, but the previous day had been a wash out with rain and so we had now only 26 hours to cross the border and settle down before a Brazilian TV. I had also [...]
Argentina v Mexico from Posadas
Brazil’s defeat of Japan gave rise to some drunken loose plans for us to travel to Corrientes or Resistencia to watch the match between Argentina and Mexico. With the World Cup slowing down, we figured we would now be able to move greater distances and at a more relaxed pace. I went to bed looking forward to catching up on some sleep, my writing and possibly even a little clothes washing!
The next morning, my mind wailed with the shrill realisation that Argentina’s match was at 4pm tomorrow. We would need to travel today! I broke the news to Sal who [...]
Brazil v Japan from Parque Nacional do Igacu
It was a beautiful sunny day in Brazil! Sally and I were thrilled to be visiting the Igacu waterfalls again, but this time from Brazil’s side of the Rio Igacu. We had been assured there would be a restaurant and bar at the top of the falls with a giant television and comfortable seats for us to watch the match between Brazil and Japan. We would not face the frustration and indignation of trying to follow the match through a radio again. Of course, we still needed to make it there on time and with kick off at 4pm, we [...]
Argentina v The Netherlands from Igacu Nacional Parque
When I had gone to bed, at about 4am, the weather was dry. At 10:30am, when I awoke in our deliciously dark room, I could hear heavy rain. ‘Good’ I thought. It would be an excuse to call the day off. Then Sal came into the room, perky, wearing her Argentine top.
“It’s raining outside, I said. “I was thinking, perhaps we could call the day off: on account of the rain?
“What? said Sal. “You want to call the day off?
Her reaction surprised me a bit. I thought she might conspire with me and allow a quiet couple enclosure to develop [...]
Paraguay v Trinidad & Tobago from a little town near Itaipu
It was a cloudy hot day for Paraguay’s last match in the Cup. I woke worried and paranoid, feeling trouble in the air. We had heard more and more about crime in Paraguay and I was still a little nervous following our minor scare after Brazil’s match with Australia. We’d just changed rooms in our hostel and learned that the previous tenants had taken the keys and so, for the moment, we could not lock our room. It added to my sense of insecurity. I implemented my usual risk management plan of securing everything inside (and to) a cupboard with [...]
2006: A World Cup Odyssey – Brazil v Australia from Foz do Igacu
We were so excited in the morning! Oh, what to wear!? We still had our Brazil tops from Sao Paulo, but felt unsure about dressing up to support what, for the first time, would be the ‘other’ team. We decided to wear the tops anyway for the spirit of the day. We had an Australian flag so we could show our true allegiances when the time came.
My cold felt much better. My back didn’t hurt. Five hours sleep now seemed plenty enough! Marching down the street, we felt like emissaries sent to Brazil in times of international war. We would [...]
Argentina v Serbia & Montenegro from Puerto Igacu
My calculations showed that kick off would happen at 8am local time. I had set my alarm for 5am. I made it out of bed at 6:45. Desperate for more sleep, I spent 10 minutes on the Internet rechecking my calculations in light of knowledge of time zones gained the day prior in Paraguay. It still came out as an 8am start.
I asked the front desk what time the Argentina World Cup match started. They told me buses would start leaving for Argentina at 7am. I decided to give up on seeking any more information and that we should leave [...]
Paraguay v Sweden from Ciudad el Este
Sally and I farewelled our friends in Sao Paulo, enjoyed an easy cab ride to the airport, checked in early and sat drinking good coffee in a sunny patch in the airport.
Our flight would take us to a little town called Foz do Iguacu. This destination had been picked out for us by our Brazilian friend Camilla who had conspired to keep us inside her home country, but just near the borders of Argentina and Paraguay. We shared laughs about strolling over borders from now on!
Sally and I boarded our flight collecting a bundle of free newspapers with glee. I [...]
Brazil v Croatia from Sao Paulo
We arrived in Sao Paulo on the 11th of June, the day before Brazil’s Valentine’s day and two days before Brazil’s first World Cup match.
The trip to Sao Paulo was a twelve-hour affair. LAN Chile first took us west, over snow topped mountains, and into Santiago before back east again to arrive at Sao Paulo. ‘The old Pepe and Fru Lemon Chello’ help ease our plane pain.
Immigration at Sao Paulo took maybe an hour. Casually dressed, kind and young staff, did their best to help us fill in forms and work our way through, but the immigration officials at the [...]
Argentina v Ivory Coast from Buenos Aires
Waiting at the airport at Quito, we felt sombre, sobering up, drinking coffee, waiting for our flight to leave. All in the small airport lounge quiet, save for one American fellow ‘ half Irish, half Ecuadorian he said. He was diminutive with thick black hair and a stagger and a plastic bag under his arm.
“Where you guys going?”
“Buenos Aires,” I said freely thinking there would be no chance.
“Oh great! That’s where I’m going! See you half way for a Jack Daniels he said winking and patting his bag.
“I’ll drink your bourbon, but we need to work, I said truthfully, but [...]
Ecuador v Poland from Quito
Four years should have been enough time to prepare. Enough time to plan a route, learn the language, buy the equipment and work out how to use it. But no. only four weeks out from the Cup, we started booking our tickets.
And the night before out departure, we sat in our flat with boxes of unopened, untested, technology galore. The rush of it was awful, but we took comfort from anticipation of one luxury – membership at the Qantas Club. Its something I find hard to reconcile or explain, but lawyers, it seems, get free counselling and home loans and [...]
The Law Society Bulletin – Courts Open Day
Bad Saturday
Some years ago on Holy Thursday, the night before Good Friday, I was at the casino having an unholy good time. Drinking and gambling, on filthy feet. And winning! But midnight arrived and they closed the place up. Gambling is banned on Good Friday, so everyone left the casino using the Lord’s name in vain.
Ever since, I have wondered what happens when the casino reopens. What happens when Good Friday gives way to the next day? Bad Saturday.
I spruced myself up to find out. I donned my latest op shop suit; a brown plaid sort of a number. I wore [...]
Trials of a Bike Courier
I rejoined the Law Society at its very reasonable rate for non-practicing lawyers. It was my first move on returning from London some ago. Actually, it was my second move. My first move was to move in with my parents. My third move was to move out.
I may have been unemployed, but I was still qualified. Qualified (so said my new landlord) to rent. Phone, electricity, gas, water, food and (cask) wine soon followed. And bills with no billables, does not a happy lawyer make.
My profession was calling, but another called louder. I knew what I had to do and [...]
New Year’s Eve at the RAH
I arrived at the Royal Adelaide Hospital at noon on New Year’s Eve. My plan was to sit in the accident and emergency waiting room for twenty four hours, straddling the midnight celebrations by twelve hours either side, and watch the carnage roll in. And so, I met with security to collect my visitor’s pass.
“If you need anything, just ask and we’ll do our best to accommodate you,” said the security guard. “But there’s just one thing we ask. If you see any problems – do not approach the problem.”
“No problem.”
I took up a chair in waiting room. An automated [...]
Land Warfare Conference
A couple of weeks ago, Adelaide played host to a conference on warfare. The event rotates between capital cities each year, but this time, instead of wooing the host city, the conference hid beneath fears of terrorism, sneaking into the Convention Centre unannounced. ABC Radio found out (the DSTO’s web site gave it away) and managed to interview a spokesman who confirmed “Yes, the conference is happening, but we don’t want to talk about it.” Hardly a scoop.
I wanted to see the conference, but even more so I wanted to get in under its skin. I wanted to see the [...]
The Loved One
Gotcha
I stood at the curb, watching the hopefuls lining up outside Caos Café. They had come to audition to become professional flirts. It’s a new job in Adelaide! Gotcha Enterprises has arrived. And it was holding auditions for fresh bait, to use in its business of catching out cheating partners. On behalf of their better, suspicious, halves.
Gotcha’s clients provide Gotcha with a photo of their partner and details of their day to day life. Then Gotcha sends out its flirts to intercept them, and test them, to see if they stray. Gotcha reports back to the client. And the future [...]
Wrestling with a Conscience
I had never been to a wrestling match before. But violence begets violence, and so expecting trouble I prepared my defences. I wore steel caps. I even took a spare set of shoes in my bag – in case violence had begotten so much violence that steel caps had been banned!
The woman on the door had other concerns.
“Raffle ticket?”
“Um… sure. What do I win?”
“A magnum of champagne and these kitchen scales.”
Quite a combination. “Okay, Give me two tickets.”
I entered the arena. Lights bright, music pumping, I surveyed the crowd feeling well out of place [...]
Homeless
Anthony Jucha spent the Queen’s Birthday long weekend sleeping rough in Adelaide’s west parklands.
I did not know whether I would go through with the idea. I was at work ringing around for advice, speaking with someone from Westcare, one of Adelaide’s day centres.
“You really should meet someone who lives on the streets first,” he said. “Get an introduction – for your own safety, and out of respect. Clara would look after you. I’ll put her on…”
I could hear Clara coming. She took my idea and put it into action.
“You’re a lawyer?”
“That’s right.”
“Where’s your office?”
“Halifax Street.”
“What number? I’m coming over.”
“No, don’t [...]
Forest of Dreams
MEANWHILE, a lot of city residents remain fascinated or intrigued by that artwork in Hurtle Square. It’s moved Anthony Jucha to write:
There never was a forest
any less of a forest
than The Forest of Dreams
But there never was a forest
any more of a forest
with such beautiful trees
Published in The Adelaide Messenger on 28 May 2003.
Adelaide Explorer
At 9:05 am every day, the Adelaide Explorer leaves from Bee Hive Corner.
At 9:20 am, just about every day, the Adelaide Explorer turns down my street and startles me into action. I race to the front door for the passing parade and, boxer shorted, stand smile and wave!
No one ever waves back. Not ever. Are the highlights so high, the commentary so compelling, that no notice is afforded the stark waving mad?
At 9:05 am, just the other day, the Adelaide Explorer left from Bee Hive Corner. I was aboard. I wore considerably more than short boxer shorts.
The Adelaide Explorer [...]
Confessions of a Penis Puppeteer
‘Puppetry Of The Penis’ is certainly a show to see, but then anyone can go along to the show. I wanted to experience something more. I wanted to see ‘Puppetry Of The Penis’ auditions! In fact, I reasoned, I wanted an insider’s view – after all, if anything could be funnier than seeing professionals doing tricks with their dicks it would have to be seeing poor amateurs doing the same. As much as the prospect filled me with fear, I could think of only one way to see the auditions; I would have to go and audition myself. Which was [...]
The Final: Germany v Brazil… from Berlin
I made hard work of getting to Berlin. My mind has given up and left me to face my decisions alone. What could have been a restful journey from Munich to Berlin turned into a frenzied fiasco via Frankfurt and an arrival in Berlin after yet another sleepless night on a train.
My body has caught on to my mind’s little game and turned against me as well. No amount of eating or sleeping will revive it above the most basic of functioning.
In the absence of any real sort of body or mind, I have been running solely on soul. A [...]
Germany v South Korea… from Munich
Someone must have shuffled the streets of Brock while I was out drinking all day because I had great difficulty finding the train station that had introduced me to the town. A town of so few people and yet so many beers.
I awaited my overnight journey to Munchen with a drunken smile. I looked forward to a good sleep in a sleeper carriage couchette, but on boarding found that a woman who had earlier obliged with a photograph had now attached herself to me. I sensed that I had become her protector, her non threatening male, at that late hour.
The [...]
Jucha v Hungary, Romania and Yugoslavia
My journey to Turkey started swimmingly. Two trains from Madrid to Paris. Sixteen hours overnight. Lovely. A few hours at the station and then a quick train to Munich. Nine hours. No Worries. Again, some hours in Munich and then for the long haul. Forty-eight hours to Istanbul.
I was in good spirits and looking forward to Turkey. I was fortunate enough to sit next to a softly spoken Austrian whose name I could never quite get, but anglicised in my mind to be Bruno. In the few hours we shared, we discussed everything from world politics to sport to our [...]
Spain v South Korea… from Madrid
My record leading up to Spain was abysmal. From thirteen games I had three wins, four draws and five miserable losses. If I were a team that I managed and coached, I would have gone on strike, resigned and sacked myself by now.
I yearned to see some dancing in the streets. With a strong team and a country full of Spaniards, I believed that Spain might provide the remedy. I dearly hoped they would reach at least the quarter finals for which I hoped to make Madrid. They did and I did. Just.
Italy’s railways conspired to make me miss all [...]
Italy v South Korea… from Verona to Milan
It is quite a journey from Stockholm to Rome, but I felt confident that I could cover it in the forty-eight hours available. I felt happy and with good reason. I had arranged to meet up with my partner, Deb, in Berlin. Deb is a seasoned traveller and had agreed to join me for some of my madness. I looked forward to her sweet smile and some much needed sympathy.
I have developed sciatica. I know it as something Deb once had, common to overworked bodies made to sit for too long, say in trains, for example. It is an affliction [...]
Sweden v Senegal… from Stockholm
My train dragged me into Stockholm well after midnight, the witching hour, the hour which it was supposed to get me there.
I was content, but terribly tired and struggling not to fall asleep on the train. I did not know where the train went after Stockholm, but as the crow flies it would have just gone plowing straight into the ocean. I did not see any crows flying about, so that was probably what happened to them too. And if there was one place I did not want to wake up, it was in an ocean full of crows.
For once, [...]
Poland v USA… from Szczecin
Things are really starting to get interesting. Unintentionally, I have been conducting my own little experiment in sleep deprivation. I have had less than twelve hours sleep over the last three days. It is beginning to show.
Today, I missed my stop on a train. I knew it was time to get off, I just could not seem to get everything together in time to detrain. I stood at the door as the train pulled away from Berlin’s Zoological Gardens, desperately looking for a passing monkey to call to my aid. Damned German efficiency! If I was still in Italy, I [...]
Mexico v Italy… from Venice
I retired late in Ljubljana facing an early start ahead, but I simply could not sleep. Poland played on my mind. I felt uneasy about my sudden decision to skip the Pole’s game against the US and go to Italy instead.
I have been a little coy about my World Cup allegiances. While an Australian by birth, I am one of a first generation. My parents are European. I am half Dutch, a quarter Ukrainian and the last quarter, Polish. I grew up celebrating Wigilia over Christmas, eating borsch and pierogi. I even know how to order pancakes (‘nalesniki’) for breakfast [...]
Slovenia v Paraguay… from Ljubljana
I had many hours on trains during which to come down from Koln with a planned arrival in Ljubljana at 5:55am (unless I overslept, in which case I would probably end up in Zagreb).
I needed some rest and so for the last leg of my journey I booked a second class couchette, a short narrow bed. It was my first sleeper train and so I approached with apprehension. A kindly guard treated me with some affection and led me to my bed.
Then, a moment of panic! The guard ran off with my ticket and out of my sight. This broke [...]
Tunisia v Belgium… from Brussels
The game was beginning in less than twenty four hours. I sat waiting obediently for what was proving to be a most disagreeable means of transport. I’m comfortable enough sitting in a plane. I don’t mind flying. What really bothers me is sitting in a plane and not flying. Or, even worse, neither sitting in a plane nor flying, but lounging in a departure lounge from where no one departs. It seems to be the biggest part of flying. Not flying.
I suppose some unexpected delays are to be expected. We eventually took off and after our host, Pierre, worked his [...]
Argentina v England… from London
England was ecstatic. Millions planned to take sickies to watch the big match. The whole country wanted to see if their team could improve on their lacklustre draw with Sweden. Arch rivals, Argentina, awaited.
The Falklands was nothing. THIS would be war!
I did not care. I was having a day off. My own little sickie. I had about forty-eight hours to move out of London and too much to occupy my mind and my time to worry about football.
First, there were the Romanians. Leaving a country involves a lot of small jobs, house clearing by no means the smallest. My partner, [...]
England v Sweden… from London
Mercifully, I buzzed back from Paris aboard a plane. It left me some hours to stroll through the city to admire the Arch of Triumph and the Eiffel Tower, both mightier and uglier up close than I had ever imagined. I climbed neither, having a fear not only of fees, but also of heights – one of my most persistent and shameful self limitations.
No matter. I’d seen enough of Paris to know I’d be back someday soon.
Feeling conservative, I arrived at the airport with ample time to spare. A strange sensation for me. I checked in and relaxed, nibbling a [...]
France v Senegal… from Paris
It was a desperate dash down London’s Victoria Street with a overstuffed backpack strapped to my back. Sweating the sweat of both fear and exhaustion, I screamed into the station and pleaded my way to the front of the queue. I could not start with a miss! Ticket moistening in hand, I rushed to join a mercifully late boarding where I was allowed a brief pause.
My mind was already in Paris. I was so looking forward to joining the Parisians watch France play Senegal in the opening match of the World Cup. Paris would be the first stop of many [...]
Boxing Day in Wigan
They emerged, that day, with the first few flakes of snow. Drifting in as if from nowhere. A scarcely believable sight for a pair of Aussies a long way from home.
A chicken. A pig. And one enormously uddered cow. They marched into the pub and no one seemed to notice as they strode to the bar to partake in some pints. The pig bought the first round and could barely contain his laughter as he watched the cow slip an extra long udder into the chicken’s beer.
A choking chicken. A sniggering pig. And a cow reciting a carefully rehearsed “pull [...]
Welcome to London
I stepped out to the street from my new London abode.
“Oi! Do yu wa”a buy a laptop?”
I started sweating from the moment I saw it. I had been thinking of scouring the second hand market for a computer, but here was something that had slipped through its fingers.
“I’d have to have a proper look at it mate.”
In the car. Inane and idle chatter.
“Foirs’ time in London?”
“Yes, yes, not been here long.”
“Wel’ome to London son”
“Thanks” I said pouring over the laptop. A Pentium IV, 64 meg of RAM. Good. 10 gig, DVD, looks new. Looks good.
“Well i’s a Sony in’ i’?”
“Yes. [...]
London Trawling
My recent travels have required me to do some serious trawling for accommodation, perhaps more so in London than anywhere else. For that genuine London Eye-opening experience, the best ride in town has to be the city’s accommodation roller coaster.
Like so many new arrivals in London, my partner and I mooched our way through our first few weeks in town. We stayed with some long lost, but happily rediscovered, relatives who had three small children and a room to spare. The children clung to my limbs like baubles on a reluctantly replanted Christmas tree and reaffirmed my resolve to delay [...]
Visas
Visas. Be they the stamps that fill passports or the cards that drain wallets, one cannot go far without either.
My partner, Deb, and I obtained our Indian tourist visas well in?advance.
“After all” said our barely competent travel agent “we all know how slowly the cogs of Indian bureaucracy turn.” “Oh yes” we nodded knowingly, not actually knowing anything about cogs let alone ‘Indian bureaucracy’.
India’s bureaucratic cogs turned at record pace mincing us in the process. Our visas were granted within a week and, to our dismay, started to run immediately from the date of issue.
At least our travel agent managed [...]
Cricket
Standing room was tight in the dusty TV shop on the last day of the Chennai Test Match. An Indian victory was imminent and the local men were undivided in their attention on their cricketing heroes. That is, until Deb and I squeezed into the shop creating a painful dilemma as to whether to stare at the screen or this western woman who had just walked in the room. It may have been one of India’s finest cricketing moments, but here was a real live white woman with real live breasts to stare at. Hell, even a quick grope may [...]
Yoshi
Travellers of all nationalities abound in India, each behaving in their own odd ways and carving out unique reputations for their compatriots.
Brits have a reputation for never leaving Goa, roasting in the sun and partying hard. Americans are known for… well lets just say I have witnessed one incredible hissy fit over black coffee (or nescoffee as it is known in India) costing one rupee more than white nescoffee. Australians are renowned for our rougher, perhaps uncultured, nature and I often found myself cringing on hearing one of us use the word “youse”.
One notable ambassador for his country who did [...]
Kumbh Mela
When 30 million people get together to bathe at the confluence of three rivers (one of which is imaginary) one knows that it is going to be a pretty special day. According to the stars who read the stars, the 24th of January was to be the holiest day to be at the Kumbh Mela. As this was also the Maha Kumbh, occurring only once every 144 years, it was to be a most auspicious occasion. All who bathed were promised to wash away all their bad karma and perhaps even secure a direct route to heaven. I doubted that [...]
Karma
What goes around comes around. Though occasionally what goes around comes around before it even goes around, which can rather leave one wondering whether they are coming or going… in a round about way.
My partner, Deb, and I were fortunate enough to experience karma’s more subtle workings while on an attempt to navigate the unpredictable seas of India’s postal, banking and other bureaucratic systems.
Our previous postal experience had been a disaster leaving us convinced that the term ‘postal worker’ is truly a contradiction in terms in India. Neither rain, nor hail, nor sleet, nor snow actually inside the post office [...]
Camel Trek
In the middle of India’s desert state of Rajasthan there is a holy lake. Around the lake, temples, shrines, ghats and all manner of whitewashed buildings jostle to be nearest to its sacred waters. This is the town of Pushkar. It is a powerfully spiritual place that attracts Hindu holy men, but like so many places in India, the depth of Hinduism also attracts the shallowness of tourism. Pushkar is often overrun with tourists and occasionally overrun with camels as the host of India’s biggest annual camel fair. It was in Pushkar that these influences combined to inspire my partner, [...]
India Heads
As our travels in India drew to a close, my partner, Deb, and I started making the gruesome transformation from travellers into tourists, with the strange result that we were doing a hell of a lot more travelling.
We were discussing our degradation with a group of our fellow India Heads. They were clearly unsympathetic.
“We are travellers, not tourists and we are each doing India in our own individual ways” they declared while their piercings and dreadlocks bounced and flapped together in unison as if to punctuate the point.
At one point, someone must have bounced when they should have flapped as [...]
Queues
It seems that, despite having endless lives worth of time to play with, Indians experience an overwhelming and irrational sense of panic when faced with a ‘queue’. It is not sufficient to merely wait one’s turn. Rather, one should use every effort, including (if not especially) physical force, to get ahead in the ‘queue’ (or clumpish mass of flesh that ‘queues’ tend to deteriorate into).
This is where being six foot tall with face piercings and a bison arse comes in handy. A long history of earning positions in basketball teams through rebounding and boxing out ability alone is also most [...]
Toilets
Toilets are a big part of life in India and anything is fair game for a urinal. After all, even Gandhi had to piss occasionally.
Although, judging by the appalling lack of facilities for women, it seems that Mrs Gandhi didn’t.
All travellers to India spend hours on toilets, which can be an especially unpleasant use of one’s time. Particularly, I am told, in the women’s public toilets where some local women (perhaps overcome by actually finding a loo) will not quite make those last few steps to a cubicle and will settle for a spot on the floor.
My greatest w.c. highlight [...]
Mumbai
Mumbai. Bombay. Either way, it is a city overlooked by many. Indeed, the Lonely Planet confirms that “most travellers miss out on Mumbai, tending to hang around long enough only to organise transport to Goa.”
Frequently, I have heard people speak of their shock on arriving at Mumbai and being greeted with smog thin with air and endless slums threatening to drown the city in a brown ocean of despair. (I for one certainly expected to step off of the plane into sweet coastal air and the tree lined streets of suburban bliss – white picket fences and all).
My partner, Deb, [...]
Writing »
Gonzo Journalism – Aboriginal Tent Embassy
The few times I’ve been to Canberra, I’ve felt drawn to the Aboriginal Tent Embassy. Australians are an obedient lot and, once in a while, it’s nice to see some ‘un-Australian’ breaking of rules.
So this year, on Australia Day, I decided to leave my de facto and baby at home – for my first night away since our boy’s birth – and camp at the Tent Embassy for its 40th anniversary celebration. For the first time in almost a year, I might get a decent night’s sleep.
I arrived to see TV crews leaving and an angry speaker on stage. I [...]
Video »
Satire – Golden Gavel 2010
My speech in the NSW Young Lawyer’s Golden Gavel public speaking competition in 2010.
Competitors are assigned a topic at random less than 24 hours before the event. My topic was ‘Barristers – without solicitors they’re really just fluff and stuffing’. 500+ lawyers watch the event.
This was the last year I am ‘young’ enough to compete so I went for broke and tried to put on a real show. I also took the opportunity to made fun of: the President of Young Lawyers, the President of the Lawyer Society and the Honourable Justice Bergin Chief Judge in Equity of [...]
Audio »
Guerilla Law – complaints about police
I set up my ‘free legal advice’ stall in Glebe. Two young men sat down and said they were sick of being hassled by the police. I told them that the best thing to do would be to avoid the police in question. I also told them how to make a complaint about the police.
I recorded the conversation and it was broadcast on 2SER’s law show ‘Radio Atticus’. You can listen below:
See Radio Atticus at 2SER for the full show.
Media »
Satire – engineers beat lawyers
As the team of lawyers were quick to point out, 11 of the 27 prime ministers of this country have practised law. So how did a team of engineers convince an audience that they, rather than lawyers, would make better politicians, when even Gillard and Abbott both have law degrees?
Try this argument from the engineers’ second speaker, Andrew Pratley: “Australia had only one choice at the election, and that was to elect a lawyer. And what did we do? We rejected them both.”
The inaugural debate between Young Engineers Australia Sydney Division and the Law Society of NSW Young Lawyers was [...]
Store »
Satire – What Makes a Man Bare All?
Anthony’s 2004 Adelaide Fringe debut takes us on a journey that bares all. With musical support from Gary and Rob (and constant interruptions by Michael Hicks), the show features such unusual explorations as:
• why spotted ties send the wrong message
• the rejection letter poem
• the army, cocaine, grenades and me
• why thinking about work can actually increase arousal
• losing your virginity; beware the dark blue ring
• hard up at the puppetry of the penis auditions
• the brighter side of breaking your penis
• a long weekend sleeping out with the homeless
If there is a place in hell for you [...]
