The following is an edited version of my Golden Gavel swansong on 21 May 2010 for Law Week. I had been asked to speak on the topic: ‘Barristers: without solicitors, they’re really just fluff and stuffing’.

[Anthony walks on stage wearing what is effectively a fat suit made of teddy bears: one stuffed up his shirt, one in the back of his pants and one stuffed halfway down the front of his pants.]

… Don’t get me wrong – I like barristers. Everyone likes a bit of fluff – on the side. And I’m all for stuffing – on the front, on the back, on the side – everywhere in fact.

I’ve dressed up today because this is my last chance to compete in the Golden Gavel. I really hope I don’t stuff it up because next year I’m too old to be a ‘young’ lawyer. I’ll have to go out to pasture, become a barrister. Maybe I’ll start up the Olden Gavel.

Have you ever noticed that it’s only solicitors who compete in the Golden Gavel? Never barristers. No barrister could do this on their own. They can’t do anything on their own. They can’t do their own taxes, or wheel their own trolleys, or even get their own clients. Researchers have done experiments on this. If you put a rat in a wig and a gown, it can’t even feed itself anymore. It needs other rats to bring the food pellets to it.

Now the more astute of you might be wondering: ‘What’s that he’s got stuffed down his pants?’ And the even more astute of you might be thinking ‘Ahhh, he’s got something stuffed down his pants’. That’s right, I stuffed ‘em. No-one’s fluffed me up. I’m not coming to the bar. I’ve snuck in a prop. And I thought we’d play a little game. First, I’ll need my beautiful assistant.

['The Price is Right' theme music plays. Anthony dances around stage and attaches a giant photo of Law Society President Mary Macken to the front of the lectern.]

Ms Mary, don’t you look beautiful tonight? Now, it says here that you were a champion weight-lifter – is that right? Yes? Well, that could come in very handy. [Adjusts teddy bears.]

Now, who’s our first contestant? Who? Well, what do you know, it’s Pouyan Afshar, our MC and the President of Young Lawyers. I’ll come on down!

['The Price is Right' theme music plays. Anthony drags Pouyan on stage.]

All right, Pouyan, are you ready to play ‘What’s stuffed down my pants’?

Pouyan: “Oh God”.

Pouyan, what’s stuffed down my pants? Is it: (a) Michael Kirby, (b) a barrister, or (c) a large sum of cash a client has asked me to hold for them?

Pouyan: “(c)?”

No, I’m sorry, the correct answer is (b) a barrister, but here’s a prize for you anyway. [Anthony produces teddy bear from back of pants and gives it to Pouyan who gratefully exits.]

It’s a barrister who wanted to compete in the Golden Gavel, but couldn’t do it without a solicitor’s briefs. [Anthony pulls teddy bear from front of pants, rips off its head and starts pulling out stuffing.] I told you – all fluff and stuffing!

Of course, there always is one exception that proves the rule: The Honourable Justice P. Bergin who, in her time as a barrister, was always unfluffy, with absolutely no stuffing. Her Honour never needed help from anyone – least of all a pesky solicitor.

In fact, a fellow student wrote in her year book from Kincoppal Rose Bay primary school: “Patricia, Patty, little Patty-cakes – wishing you all the best. You might look a bit funny, but you always keep your hair so nice and mostly free of lice.”

Now your Honour – esteemed judge of this competition – you will note I didn’t mention the year of this primary school year book of yours, so now it’s your turn to do me a favour. Never won a Golden Gavel. Lord knows, I’ve tried!

['The Price is Right' theme music plays. Anthony kicks teddy bear head into audience and dances off stage right. Anthony returns to the stage and, still dancing, kicks teddy bear body into audience and exits stage left.]

Pouyan: “Security, could you please remove Mr Jucha from the building.”